Divided

A buddy called me a few weeks ago. We’ve known each other for 34 years. It wasn’t anything particular — just one of those conversations where you pick up where you left off.

And then he said something that hit home.

He’d been talking with another one of our college friends and fraternity brothers, someone who used to go to dairy cattle shows with us back in the day. They were swapping stories. And somehow my name came up.

“You remember how Tyler would roll in at 3:30 in the morning?” my buddy told me they’d said. “Head down, going full speed. You couldn’t say anything to him. He just drove.”

Then he paused.

“Kind of like Trump. You just get stuff done, and you don’t really care if it bothers people.”

I laughed. And then I owned it: “Yeah. That’s me.”

But here’s what’s interesting. I’m not that guy anymore. Or at least, I work hard not to be. The intensity that made me effective in the barn at 3:30 AM was the same thing that pushed people away and strained relationships for years. It was both effective and exhausting.

I was one person with a bucket of grain and fifty cows to feed. Then, being the same person, trying to lead people, and serve clients.

That division, the guy who gets it done no matter what, and the guy who doesn’t know how to slow down to stand with others,  cost me more than I realized for a long time.

The Things We Hide — Moment

I know what it’s like to live divided.

For years, my intensity was the front I put up. It worked on farms. It worked in production environments. It was not working in relationships, and I didn’t want to admit it.

Here’s the thing about wearing a mask: you get so good at it, you forget you’re wearing it. The intensity felt like strength. It looked like drive. It was armor. And I wore it long enough that I started to believe that was just who I was.

Jackson Lahmeyer, my podcast guest this week, said it plainly: We get used to dysfunction. It becomes normal to us.

That’s exactly what happened. The divided version of me felt like the only version. Head down, Tyler. Get it done, Tyler. Don’t show weakness, Tyler.

What I was hiding, even from myself, was the gap between who I was performing to be and who I actually was. 

Jackson calls it living a double life. I didn’t use those words, but that’s what it was.

The shift came slowly. Not one moment, but a series of them. People I trusted finally saying what I already suspected: man, it was hard to be around you. And instead of defending myself, I just nodded because they were right.

That’s when you know you’re ready to stop hiding. When someone shines a light on the thing you’ve been covering, and instead of running, you stay.

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Podcast

Jackson Lahmeyer became a father at 17. His world, entirely built around basketball, collapsed almost overnight. That’s the moment he gave his life to Christ. A pastor preaching on late-night local television, a 50-minute drive to a big church where nobody knew him, and by the end of that summer, he was a different man.

But he’d carry old patterns into new territory for years.

He became a pastor. He remarried into a blended family of five kids. He built a thriving church in Tulsa. And the whole time, he was living divided, one version of himself on stage, another in private, hiding the parts of his story he was convinced would disqualify him.

The book he wrote about it is called Divided: Breaking Free from the Other Me. This conversation is one of the most honest I’ve had on the show.

Here are three things from my conversation with Jackson that I think every leader needs to sit with.

1. You Can Be Forgiven Without Being Healed 

 Jackson walked me through a verse from James 5:16 NIV: Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.  He pointed out that James doesn’t say to confess to God so you can be healed; he says to confess to each other. The insight: you can receive forgiveness from God every single time, and still not be healed of what you’re fighting. Forgiveness happens in private. Healing happens in community. As long as the struggle stays secret, it grows. Sin grows in secrecy. It’s like cancer. Light is the only thing that stops it.

2. The Cover-Up Always Costs More Than the Sin

People are more forgiving than we give them credit for. Jackson said it plainly: what people cannot move past isn’t the sin itself, it’s the cover-up. The lengths we go to protect the image. He traced it back to the Garden of Eden: the first thing Adam and Eve did was cover themselves with fig leaves. And it never works. Whether you’re a pastor, a business owner, or a leader of any kind, the moment you shift from transparency to self-protection, you’ve started a collapse that will eventually finish itself.

3. Your Mess Is Your Message 

Jackson revealed a truth I believe as well: “Usually your greatest struggle is also your greatest ministry.” Not as a platitude but as a lived reality. The thing you’ve battled hardest is the thing you’re most equipped to speak into. Jackson could have buried his early story, the baby at 17, the first marriage, the divorce, before he turned 23. Instead, he wrote a book about it. His church grew when he got honest. That’s not a coincidence. Authenticity, not perfection, is what people actually follow.

Solve Division with Connection — The IDL Summit, May 7–8, Spokane

I built the Summit to help others sit at tables and have these types of conversations, because they are transformational.

On May 7 & 8 in Spokane, WA, 120 leaders will gather in one room. Not to watch polished presentations, but to tell the truth. About fear. About division. About the gap between who we show up as and who we actually are.

Nikki Barua, Dr. Abbie Maronó, Joe Delagrave, and I will bring four different perspectives across two days. The goal is simple: leave more whole than you arrived.

General Admission is $499. Two for $900

VIP is $999 and includes a private dinner with the speakers.

Seats are limited to 120. If the divided version of you has been running the show long enough, I’d love to see you there.

Get your tickets: idlsummit.com

Did you catch this podcast? If not, listen to it here.