Hiding From Yourself

“Not it.”

Remember playing the finger on the side of the nose game - proclaiming you’re not it.  

It usually happened when you were sitting among a group of friends, siblings, or the like, and the adult or “leader” asked if someone would volunteer.

The last person to put their finger on their nose was it.  Meaning they were the volunteer.

When it comes to leading – yourself – there's no one else to do it.  So “Not it” is off the table.

Yet, for many years, I was playing the game of “Not it”, expecting someone else to lead me.

It was my manager's job to lead me.  Or I just put my head down and worked. 

That worked…until it didn't.

And that was the problem.  I was hiding from leading myself, because if I didn't take responsibility, I wasn't responsible.  It was someone else's problem.

But it was my problem.  A problem that plagued me for years.  

The Things We Hide - Moment

The day I realized that not leading myself was the reason I faced so many challenges was a day that changed my life.

In 2018, my wife, Kelley, and I joined a Maxwell Leadership group called “The Executive Circle.”  As part of this year-long personal development, we all do a 360º review.

It was my first time doing this, and because I'm eager to learn, my #1 CliftonStrengths is Learner.

Oh, and did I learned.  Overwhelmingly, the response was that I made everything about me.

People shared that I pushed, drove, and managed people to my ends.

I lead my companies with a focus on results and efficiency.  A "put your head down and get the work done" mentality.

And as people shared with me, this intensity (oh yeah, I loved intensity, it was what made my engine burn) grated on them.

Sure, I'm passionate, but it had a cost.  The cost was my relationships with others.

I was more focused on the results than on what they were about.

When I looked in the mirror, I saw a person driven to succeed.  What others saw through the window was an asshole!

This 360º review didn’t shatter the mirror; it only revealed the brokenness – my fears and insecurities – I had tried to hide for years.

It revealed that, actually, to lead others, I had to start leading myself.  I had to do the work to grow for myself, so I could grow for others and then grow with others.

Webinar

On January 20th, I will be hosting a free webinar.

In the webinar, we will discuss the Hidden Barriers that hold us back from leading with authenticity.  I will also share a bit about the upcoming 12 Week IDL Roundtable, which kicks off the week of January 26th. 

Podcast

This week on The Tyler Dickerhoof Show, I shared my conversation with Mau Espinosa.

Mau, who is originally from Mexico, emigrated to Kansas as a teenager.  After experiencing the tragic loss of family members, he came to the US looking for new opportunities.

The losses drove him to understand himself and how he could impact and serve others.  Ultimately, he built a career in the automotive sales industry and now consults with dealerships worldwide.

As noted in the quote at the top of this newsletter, one way he helps organizations improve their sales and service in a highly competitive industry is by seeing people.

Here are three takeaways from the conversation, all about leading people rather than just a company.

1. Personal Adversity and Growth

Mau shared his personal journey through adversity, including his experiences with loss and self-discovery. He emphasized the importance of self-understanding and leveraging personal growth to lead others effectively. This experience underscores the idea that leadership is about personal connection and growth, not just business metrics.

2. Emotions are Felt and Seen

Mau discussed his work with dealerships, highlighting that the emotional environment and how people feel when they enter a showroom are more important than the cars themselves. This experience illustrates that leading involves fostering a positive, trusting environment for both employees and customers.

3. Cultural and Emotional Intelligence

Mau talked about the importance of emotional congruence and how emotions are contagious. He explained that if a leader is not in tune with their own feelings, it can lead to frustration that affects the entire team. This experience reinforces the idea that leadership is about managing emotions and relationships, not just tasks and objectives.

Roundtable

2026 starts year 6 of hosting the IDL Roundtable Community.  When I first started, I was looking for a way to serve others alongside the podcast I started.

Six years later, with a complete 36-week course and framework, I have been blessed to see others grow alongside me.

Last year, I changed the offering in two ways.  One is a shorter commitment: a 12-week Awaken the Leader Within (which parallels the chapters of The Things We Hide), and the other is the full-year cohort.

In just a few weeks, the week of January 26th, the new cohorts kick off.

If you are ready to learn how to start leading yourself rather than hiding from yourself, I would love for you to join the group.

Or you are like my friend Victor, who joined the Roundtable this past fall. He shared that after completing the 12-week Roundtable, he realized that leading isn't micromanaging; it's believing in others and giving them the responsibility to be part of something bigger.

I would love for you to learn more about the Roundtable experience. I will be offering an information session and training webinar on January 20th at 3 pm PST.

Register here: https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_ROh4VHG2T-iS4q6xA1Hohg

Did you catch this podcast? If not, listen to it here.