The Truth About Empathy

Ever wonder what brings people together, that magnetic attraction, disregarding looks or scents, the thing that makes you want to be around certain people?

It might be strange to consider that thing to be empathy, yet why can't it be?

When my podcast guest Brian Kight shared his idea that Empathy is the single most attractive trait that connects people, it brings them together, I wasn't sure what to make of it.

In the moment, I don't even know if it registered, but after listening to the conversation again and hearing what I didn't hear the first time, it makes perfect sense.

The invisible quality that brings people together is that one person chooses to do as Brian described: “find out what is important to the other person and make it important to you in a way that they value and can feel.”

Attractiveness

A few times, I meet someone and then try to describe the vibe the person gave off to my wife, which gets weird. Weird because it's hard to describe.

If it's a person of the same gender, it's easy to say,  “Yeah, I really like being around that person; they are easy to talk to, cool, etc.”

At the same time, there are people whose vibe is just off. It borders on sandpaper people, by the way. Yes, I can have sandpaper qualities to some people, and I might venture to say some people might think you do, too. I choose to believe it's just being human.

Ok, so the vibe is off, could there be a total lack of empathy?  Could my sandpaperness be a lack of empathy…might have stumbled onto something here.

And then it's really weird when the person is the opposite gender, and this attractiveness has nothing to do with looks; it's all about how they carry themselves. They have confidence, curiosity, and an inquisitiveness that invites engagement. EMPATHY!

That's it.

I can't wait to tell my wife the next time I meet someone and enjoy them, and I will say, “There was just a lot of empathy.”

Firm not Soft

Empathy is firm.  It's firm because to be empathetic, you can't be a leech.

Focusing on Brian's simple function of empathy, it's the action of finding what is important to another and choosing to make that to you so that the other person feels valued.

That can't be wishy washy.  It can't be unrealistic.  It has to be solid.  Genuine.

Considering empathy to be soft dismisses the core tenet of empathy, value.

Being empathetic is choosing to value people.

In this case, as Brian shared, it's easy to understand what the opposite is.

Not being empathetic is deciding to devalue other people.

If we devalue the people we work with, walk by on the street, sit beside at a sporting event, or sit beside on an airplane, by not being willing to be empathetic, what does that say?

To value people is not soft; it takes a strong conviction of one's personal values and beliefs, and knowing that other people are wholly entitled to hold their own values and beliefs, which can be totally different.

The people who complain that empathy is soft are the very people who likely dismiss the opportunity to engage with and influence those around them effectively.

To lead is to influence, to influence requires connection, and connection is fostered with empathy.

True empathy is the path that leads to anything and everything that happens with and through others.

It Can Be Learned

If you are familiar with CliftonStrengths, empathy is one of the 34 assessed strengths.  

For me, Empathy was my 32nd strength.

32 of 34.

Yeah.  One might say, “Not really one of your strengths!”

They say our strengths don't change over time, but I have a hard time with that.

Why? Because I know my empathy has changed, and people who have been around me and gotten to know me since I took the assessment have described me as empathetic!

To accomplish anything, it takes empathy, whether defined by putting your arms around someone and walking with them or finding out what is important to them and making it important to you in a way that makes someone feel valued.

So I can attest it can be learned.

While learning was different for me than for Brian, it was driven by the same root: building stronger and more meaningful relationships.

Brian shared in our conversation that his lack of empathy was a lack of awareness.  For me, it was from not seeing and understanding my value to freely and appropriately value others.

Wherever you think you are on the spectrum of empathy, an a-hole like I was, a doormat who lets people walk all over them.  A person who sees empathy as strong, courageous, genuine, and authentic, or soft, you can, with effort and desire, change.

Because one thing Brian pointed out, and I believe, human nature has never changed over millennia; the only thing that can change is you and me.

Summit

We are just 3 weeks away from the Summit, and I would love for you to attend.

Yes, to fill the room, but more importantly, to get and give value.

Transformation happens when you are surrounded by others, doing the work on your own, but not alone.

Like Robby Emery shared, “You can find love online, but you can’t make love online!”

Because it takes being in person, at a table, and in a room with real people to make the amazing happen.

On May 7th and 8th, I will host the 2nd annual Impact Driven Leader Summit.

This year, we have an unofficial theme, and it’s culture.  Culture Matters, Winning Culture, Connecting Culture, and Creating Culture.

Be a part of the event and learn from some of the best culture-focused leaders in the country.

I can't wait to see you in May. Register Here

Did you catch this podcast? If not, listen to it here.