What's Triggering You?

Rejection triggers me.  It is a direct line to my biggest insecurity: I don’t have value.

To prevent rejection from triggering me, I do two things: I avoid circumstances where I can be rejected, and I try with all my might to express all the value I think I have.

When I was younger, I expressed my value in how much I knew, feeling that my value came from knowledge. I wasn’t valued for athletic prowess or what I saw others being applauded for.

When I avoided rejection, I would keep to myself, playing the “introvert” who stood in the corner, even though that wasn’t who I was.

It took me years of internal work to recognize what was happening in myself and my relationships so that I could write those six sentences to you. Not because I needed to muster the ability to announce it, but to understand the responses to my triggering moments. 

While I recognize how I respond to my fears and insecurity, it takes me moments of courage and drive to overcome those feelings and act in a way that impacts others.

One thing I haven’t done is the work to sit down with someone like my friend Laurel Wiers to discover if there is a central memory that triggers my response to rejection.

I can speculate that there are a few instances from my early childhood, being sent to live with my aunt and uncle when I was 2, or times of being picked on and bullied while in elementary and middle school.

My response did more to incite the rejection from others than anything else.

The response to the trigger fed the loop.

So I learned to recognize the response and own it.

I didn’t try to block out the memory. I worked to own and direct my response. And now, for the most part, the memory doesn’t affect my everyday life.

Now does my insecurity show up? Yep, sure does, but I recognize it and own it, and I work every day to develop a mindset where my insecurity doesn’t lead me!

I hope the same for you. I know it took me many years to get where I am today, and I still have work to do.

I hope the same for you because I know that once I started to look internally at external challenges, it changed how I viewed everything.

MINT

Laurel Wiers, my guest on TTDS (The Tyler Dickerhoof Show) this week, worked for decades as a therapist who used the ‘talk therapy thing’ to help patients.

Through her practice, she worked to hone what she has called MINT^TM. Memory Integration and Neutralization Technique (MINT™) is an evidence-informed technique based on ART, EMDR, and CMI that aims to help individuals function without interference from negative memories and triggers, potentially leading to a sense of lightness, focus, and confidence.

A process that has been shown to leaders, executives, and, well, most everyone to improve by having healthier relationships, losing weight, reducing stress, and eliminating triggering responses in just a few sessions!

I’ve gotten to know Laurel over the last year as we are part of the same community, High Capacity Leaders, within the Maxwell Leadership Organization.

As we have interacted and discussed, I have learned how powerful her work can be for people.

But beyond that, it has helped me understand the work that I have done on myself and where there are gaps from which I can discover more.

Application

You’ll have to listen to the entire podcast to get the full breakdown, but I want to share a little here.

While the MINT^TM process cannot be done alone, the work to understand how we are allowing ‘triggers’ or situations in which memories cause us to react in a way that can be harmful to ourselves and others relationally can be done alone.

Laurel calls them ‘extra reactions’.  Like when you spill your coffee and have a nuclear meltdown.

Or, as an IDL Roundtable member shared with me, when a co-worker shares a solution to a challenge, then comes a fifteen-minute dissertation from the manager on what all is wrong in the world, business, and life. Really, anything other than great—I appreciate the thought, let's work through it—is extra.

Those ‘extra reactions’ are the emotional responses to unresolved painful memories.  

Now, let me interject a perspective: There are moments of frustration, but when it happens more than once, it is a pattern, and I’m pointing to a pattern or inability to manage emotions.

In these situations, we need to be mindful of how we and others react.

This is the application. Instead of eliminating triggers (not offering solutions to problems by engaging with the manager), we start to ask why. Maybe not to the person directly, but start working through why this person is having “extra reactions.”

To me, this is the work of understanding our fears and insecurities. There is nothing wrong with owning, accepting, and appreciating our insecurities. The opportunity is how we condition our responses to these revelations.

Neutralizing memories is about eliminating a derogatory response, not burying the memory or numbing it out.

Scratching the Surface

This newsletter and our podcast are just dangerously scratching the surface, yet it's a start, and all anything magnificent takes is a start.

My encouragement is to be curious, fascinated, and aware of yourself and others. Recognize “extras.”  Be willing to do the deep and involved work instead of saying, “This is just who I am, and take it or leave it.”  

Because eventually, if our “extras” become the norm, everyone will know not to “trigger” you.  They’ll do that by no longer being around you.

Avoiding your triggers and encouraging someone else to do the same is not a solution. It's apathetic personal and relational emotional malpractice!

Summit

While Laurel won’t be at the IDL Summit to share the premise of her work with people, this will happen. We will sit side by side in the room and grow together.

I have found a process that does a wonderful job of helping people confront and address how their actions, reactions to memories, and leadership style impact and affect others.

Like Robby Emery shared, ‘you can find love online, but you can’t make love online!

Because it takes being in person, at a table, and in a room with real people to make the amazing happen.

On May 7th and 8th, I will host the 2nd annual Impact Driven Leader Summit.

This year, we have an unofficial theme, and it’s culture.  Culture Matters, Winning Culture, Connecting Culture, and Creating Culture.

Be a part of the event and learn from some of the best culture-focused leaders in the country.

I can't wait to see you in May. Register Here

Did you catch this podcast? If not, listen to it here.